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Oldies but Goodies......they made me laugh!!

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 PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 6:52 am   

Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 6:59 am
Some groan out loud ones but some aren’t bad!


I took the Mrs to the doctor's as she had a golf ball stuck up her bum.
He said" blinkin heck, that's up a fairway"!

Paddy buys a chainsaw which guarantees to cut down 40 trees in a hour!!!
Paddy sets to work but only cuts 20 in the hour!
So paddy takes it back to the shop He says to
the shop owner this doesn't cut 40 a hour, ive only done 20.
With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw!!
Paddy looks at him an says,
"what's that noise!!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
> vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
> · A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
> When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
> · I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
> was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
> coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
> thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
> · My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
> our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get
> one cheaper off the web.
> · I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
> check her balance, so I pushed her over.
> · I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
> move.
> · I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver
> was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
> myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
> · Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
> · Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Sod that" says
> Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
> · Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says
> how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is
> building up!”
> · I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
> she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
> · I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
> the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
> · A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and
> talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a
> wheelchair.
> · I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
> reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I
> would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
> · The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
> worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
> · The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table
> when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
> reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
> · When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they
> wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
> What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to
> reverse the bloomin thing
> · Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed
> six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker
> could be following some kind of pattern.
> · Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could
> eat it!
> · A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break
> and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
> angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the
> bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy
> bears have their picks nicked.
> · Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
> head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

 PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 8:43 am   

Joined: Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:55 am
Location: mawdesley
Couple of cheesy ones, but giggled none the less :)

 PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2012 9:04 am   
Shouldn't be old enough to be Matt's dad!

Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2010 9:49 pm
Location: Home alone usually :-(
:lol: very good indeed, needed a chuckle


 PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2012 11:29 am   
Born 1954 "Simples"

Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2010 9:17 pm
Location: Preston
That's bang out of order...

I recently left my job at the helium factory...
...I refused to be spoken to in that tone.

"I've just made a new discovery!" bob announced to his wife upon his return from work.
"You've been working at Land Rover for three days and that joke's already wearing thin" she replied.

The God of thunder rode up to war on his favourite horse...
"I'm Thor!" he cried
The horse replied: "Of course thilly, you forgot your thaddle!"

My girlfriend says I'm too posh... So I took her for a ride on the 'dodge thems'.

Me and my mate were planning to go to a fancy dress party dressed as a pair of breasts.
He didn't turn up.
...I looked like a right tit!

I've started going out with a girl who has the most wonderful accent.
...It's a 52 plate, in silver, wonderful condition!

I held a coconut shell up to my ear and could hear the sound of a one legged horse standing very still.

I chased my computer mouse around my desk, before it decided to hide in the keyboard.
It's under control.

A man was arrested for stealing a calendar.
He got 12 months.

I proposed a new internet browser to the chaps at 'Apple' today. It went rather well I thought. Certainly raised a few iBrowse.

I was a huge supporter of the anti-apartheid movement in the 80s and 90s. The ungrateful gits never did send me my free Nelson Mandela...


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